The Manifesto on Restaurant Business

My analysis of Restaurant Business for Media & Society. Again, for those of you not affiliated with the class, you'll find more below.

Restaurant Business: Street Smarts for the Entrepreneur

THESIS – As Restaurant Business is funded largely through advertisements designed for their entrepreneurial readership, a major part of their thesis is what is said in the ads. For example, an advertisement showing a picture of beef proclaims that this is the best beef. The magazine’s general thesis is that they can help small restaurant chains and single-unit operations gain clientele and maximize profits.

BRAIN – The magazine, which contains many ads with big, full-color photographs of food, appeals largely to the limbic brain. The juicy meats and perfectly ripe vegetables make the audience think, “Wow, this could be really good.” The ads also use words to appeal to the reptilian brain’s eating response, such as “satisfying,” “gourmet,” and “irresistible freshness.” The facts and stories appeal to the neocortex, making the reader think about what the oil spill’s effect on seafood was and how social media is changing the restaurant industry.

TRENDS – The magazine has an up-to-date website that is both engaging and appealing, which is an example of the aesthetic shift from discrete to convergence. Restaurant Business and several other affiliate magazines recently merged with CSP Information Group, showing an economic shift. The subjective ads and various reviews are part of the discursive shift from objective to subjective.

FIVE FACTS –

1.) The CDC found that most people consume more than twice the daily maximum of 1,500 mg of sodium recommended by the 2010 Dietary Guidelines for Americans.

2.) “Spain is especially rich in good inexpensive wines.”

3.) “No Worcestershire sauce is more versatile than the original, Lea & Perrins."

4.) “9 out of 10 patrons say Pillsbury biscuits are as good or better than homemade.”

5.) S.M.A.R.T. Restaurant Group’s employee’s mission is to “Make the guests say ‘Wow!’”

PRINCIPLES – The full-page ads with large, bold photographs are very effective. The sharp, modern, “hip” look of the magazine – which was redesigned several years ago – also makes a big impact. These production techniques really grab the reader’s attention and make full use of the audience’s time. Emotional transfer strongly shows in the ads, which make viewers hungry for the tender meat and crisp fruits placed before them. After viewing these advertisements, each reader must decide his or her own individual meaning of the ads.

PERSUASIVE TECHNIQUES – Many of the stories feature quotes from important individuals in various fields, such as marketers and restaurant executives. These testimonials help to make the stories more credible. Several of the ads, such as the Stanislaus Food Products’ tomato ad, mention the company’s existence in a previous time (such as 1942 for Stanislaus), an example of nostalgia. The “beautiful person” on the cover is an example of beautiful people. He makes people want to read the magazine.

(Photo: Restaurant Business's annual "Future 50" feature, where they highlight major up-and-coming restaurants. Courtesy of http://www.monkeydish.com/images/RB-cover-July09.jpg.)

6.) The Manifesto on New Uses for Old Letters

Before I begin, I… hold on, brb.

All right, before I begin, I want to say that I very much dislike the abbreviation “brb.” Along with all of its other “Internet speak” counterparts, such as “lol,” “roflmao,” and “hbu.” Why do you type that you're laughing out loud? As a writer, I find difficulty in believing that this is what we’re coming to. Language is organic, always changing, but now it’s changing faster than it ever has before. In a single generation, with essentially a single invention, English has gone from long, tedious words like “thank you” to much simpler, easy-to-say words like “ty.” Wait, that’s not a word. That’s the company that made Beanie Babies. Personally, I think the point is very much defeated when you abbreviate a common courtesy to two letters. “Oh, wow, $2.4 million? TY!” See? Even capitalized and with an exclamation mark, it still sounds bad. If my long-lost step-uncle twice removed died under an asteroid and left me $2.4 million, I wouldn’t go to his funeral and say, “Hey, ty.” And I don’t think his will attorney would say, “Son, I’m sure if he were still on this earth, he would say yw.”

In my expert opinion – because I am an expert on my opinions – Interspeak makes the Interspeaker look uneducated. While I know that’s not true – hey, I just looked on Google, and both Interspeak and Interspeaker are actual things. Cool. Where was I? Ah, yes. While I know that Interspeakers are functionally illiterate, I still can’t feel bad for them. I mean, I may spend seven hours a day on Facebook, but I haven’t stooped to this level. Yet. Pray I never do. Did you know that Iceland has a 100% literacy rate? I wonder what the Internet’s literacy rate is?

I'm sorry, were you making a point? I was too busy laughing to notice.

(Image courtesy of http://mattdunlap.org/)

Abbreviations aren’t the only part of Interspeak. Punctuation, capitalization, and other nonessential parts of grammar are also going out the metaphorical window. In fact, they’ve been kicked out the metaphorical service entrance behind a small inner-city restaurant. Many a meme is founded on this concept. I don’t think I need to bore you with a lecture on memes, as you probably already know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, follow the links. But the lack of capitalization of “I,” writing “and” for “a” (which I still don’t understand), and leaving out periods really annoy me. Here is a sample sentence:

“hi how are you..i am good. did you get teh mesage I sent u. its and really good message, i think ull like it? brb kk im back. u miss me…i did. hey guess wut im teaching english as a 2nd langage 2mrow bye!”

This has got to stop. I really don’t understand how people (ppl?) can get by writing like this. After writing that last sntence I think i may be succumbing to interspeak? ttyl! Mnfsto, OWT.

Media has converged here.

5.) The Manifesto on Things That Go Great Together

The iPad is Apple’s version of Apple’s version of the MP3 player. In other words, there are very few differences between the iPad and iPod touch. Yes, “touch” is lower-case, as Apple still refuses to follow English conventions (for example, “go great together”). Both the iPad and iPod touch have touch screens, Internet access, and more applications than there are whales in Wales. That’s right. Infinitely more. If, of course, you don't count the ocean, which is where whales typically live. If you count the ocean, then there is quite a plethora of whales in Wales. By which I mean the iPad and iPod touch are virtually identical. But there is one amazing difference that really sets the iPad apart from its semi-identical twin – the price.

The iPad is a wonderful tool. It is useful, handy, functional, and any other synonym for “it gets the job done.” Apple has really outdone themselves this time. They’ve shown the world that their followers are both money-loaded and gullible. Before I continue, I must say that I myself am an Apple fan. I write on a MacBook Pro, have an iPod, and use iTunes for most of my music and video purchases. However, that does not stop me from seeing the humor in a giant iPod touch.

In the iPad’s defense, I should probably point out some of the features. First, it has a beautiful screen that costs approximately a dollar per pixel. Viewing games, the Web, and e-mail has never been so rewarding. (The reward, by the way comes from all the manual labor you’ll be doing to pay off your bank loan.) The device has started a revolution – Apple has set the standards for the “I-want-it-but-don’t-want-to-pay-for-it” category of expensive and extraneous objects that cost 30 times the price of a GameStop GameCube. They’ve always been pioneers.

$700 really didn't seem like a fair price. So I looked online, and came across Stuart Hughes's golden iPad. It's 22 carat gold with 53 diamonds making up the Apple logo. $190,000. Now, there's a fair price.

(Photo courtesy of http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1278857/The-solid-gold-iPad-set-130-000.html)

If somebody were to come up to me and say, “Here, have an iPad,” I wouldn’t complain. I might wonder as to the credibility of some random guy walking up to me and shoving a box in my hands, but I still wouldn’t complain. At least, not until the police report. The point is, I would very much love to have an iPad. And I’m not alone. A recent study showed that 97% of Americans would accept an iPad from a stranger/would be willing to pay half price/would be more willing to pay a quarter price/just really want an iPad. Another study that I also just made up argued that, while the previous study has some credibility, 97 just so happens to also be the percentage of statistics that are fabricated. Therefore, argues this study (Yes, et al. 2010), 97% is 62% as likely as 49% of all statistics that are 73% made up. The latter study was widely discredited after the discovery that the researchers could neither formulate coherent data nor finish grammatically correct sentences. They were promptly taken out and shot.

The iPad: Proving beyond a doubt that Apple fanboys will buy anything. Manifesto, OUT.

Media has converged here.

4.) The Manifesto on the Modern Miracles of Mobile Media

So, you think you’re so cool, what with your BlackBerry or iPhone or Droid? Well, it turns out that you are. These three smartphone families make up 90% of the total smartphone market. And we all know that to be cool you have to conform to arbitrary standards set by large companies. However, as it turns out, if you’ve got a BlackBerry, you may be in trouble. Research in Motion (R.I.M.), the maker of the BlackBerry, saw a decrease in market share, from 55% in the first quarter of last year to 41% a year later. iOS and Droid, however, rose from 23% to 49% in the same period. What does all this mean, you may ask? It means that the world’s gone mobile.

All right, cards on the table. I will admit that I myself… have a BlackBerry. I know, I know. We’re losing out to your iPhones and Droids. But there’s hope. I just don’t know what it is. But the good news for all mobile devices is that mobile browsing is on the rise. It may still only account for 2.8% of all browsing, but the Mobi-Web – as it’s been called since I unwittingly ripped it off from mobiweb.mobi - may very well be the next Internet Explorer. Oh, wait. I meant Chrome, Firefox, Safari, Opera, decaying logs, or basically anything else that works remotely well. But I must hand it to Microsoft. It’s not easy to make a device to raise blood pressure and command 49% of the web browsing market at the same time.

I personally think that a much better way to view the Web is on the epitome of “I-want-it-but-I-don’t-want-to-pay-for-it” devices: Apple’s iPad. I will write more on the iPad later, but for now, just remember that it’s a 4:1 scale model of the iPod touch, which for some reason has defied any attempts to capitalize anything but the second letter. The iPad has a beautiful screen. Why would anybody want to watch a YouTube video on the cramped, lower-res display of my soon-to-be-obsolete BlackBerry Curve, ancient at a year old? (By the way, I love my BlackBerry. Get one now.) The iPad really lends itself to Web-viewing, to the extent that someone at Apple said, “Hey, you know how we can make this more expensive? Give it 3G.” And now, we can view a Web page anywhere there’s Internet access, as well as in certain parts of Vermont. With a device like that, why would anybody worth more than $5 million use anything else?

But, what does all this really mean? It means that mobile devices – Pads ‘n’ Pods included – are rapidly gaining a place in the web-browsing game. While console browsing remains steady, the handheld Net gets bigger and bigger. 2.8% may not seem like a lot, but my guess is that in just a few years, that number will be significantly higher. Almost as high as the percentage of people who risk liver failure every time they log on to their application with the same initials as “ingeniously evil” or “insidious experiment” or “ibex everlasting.” I could go on, but for now, Manifesto, OUT.

Media had converged here.

(Photo courtesy of http://blog.monty.de/?cat=7)

Camp Champ Radio Spot: The Manifesto is on the Air

Jeremy: Champlain College. With breathtaking views of Lake Champlain and the Adirondack Mountains, Champlain College is a hidden gem nestled within Burlington, Vermont. While unconventional with its upside-down curriculum, Champlain is one of the most community-oriented schools in the country. Its three-dimensional learning program incorporates community learning with the unique "Life Experiences and Action Dimension." US News and World Report named Champlain on the "Top Up-and-Coming" schools in the nation. Champlain is both a progressive and spirited college. Don't believe us? Ask a student.

Leslie: Camp Champ is amazing. The people, the atmosphere, and the majors are all part of the amazingness. Even the sweatpants are comfy! Everyone is so friendly. The classes are challenging, not brutal. The food is edible, not disgusting. The professors are awesome, especially if they raise yaks or have a British accent.

Jeremy: In the few short weeks I've been here, Champlain College has given me much more than I could have asked for. I've got a wide array of friends from many different backgrounds, teachers who all have their own little quirks, and the coolest dorm I've ever seen. That's right. I live in a Victorian mansion. There is no such thing as a square building at Champlain. The architecture is almost as great as the academics, and, considering the fact that there's a veritable castle for a dorm just down the street, that's saying a lot.

Kelly: Transferring to Champlain was the best decision I ever made! I mean what's not to love? The beautiful location, the small, intimate classes, the knowledgeable, easy-to-reach professors, and the guarantee that there's always something fun going on around campus. For these reasons and countless more are why I chose Champlain. There's no other place like it!

Lindsey: Champlain. A little strange at times, but they take care of their own and give you the best college experience possible. They are ready and welcoming with open arms. Let Us Dare. Audeamus.

3.) The Manifesto on the Convenience of Amazon.com and Other Greedy Capitalist Schemes

“[Jeff Bezos] started Amazon.com, so named because search engines like Yahoo! listed categories in alphabetical order, putting Amazon near the top of the list.”

Isn’t online shopping wonderful? The magical one-click purchase, the “shopping cart,” the potential for free shipping, buying things without your parents knowing until the package arrives in the mail and you tell them there are no returns or exchanges? You can add a myriad things to your wish list, then distribute said list to everyone you know who has any likelihood of getting you a birthday present. You can get used textbooks for half off, including convenient annotations for use on tests. What can’t you do? Ooh, ooh, let me answer this one! Um, you can’t have any human interaction. Before you go on about how this really isn’t necessary, as you’ve lived for nine years in your basement with nothing but a computer to call “company,” let me say something. People matter almost as much as machines do. In fact, I would make the bold statement that people matter more than machines do. I know, daring, isn’t it? Besides, I personally like giving small businesses my patronage before they file for bankruptcy and are bought by Wal-Mart.

Amazon.com is a wonderful thing, and I am by no means claiming I never use it. I love Amazon. I do a lot of my shopping online. But I also like to see other members of my species while fumbling for my debit card. And swiping a card is so much easier than memorizing all those numbers and giving each one to some site called www.scameras.com.

Amazon.com is an equal opportunity employer. They hire people like this guy who have suffered severe media-related head injuries and think that loading boxes onto a forklift is the coolest thing ever.

(Photo courtesy of www.nytimes.com)

To link all this back to mass media, Amazon.com and other online retailers are putting small media-related chains out of business. For example, when I was born – in 1991 – there were 5,100 independent bookstores. Now, there are only 2,200. They also dropped from 31% to 12% market share between 1991 and 2009. Online book sales, however, constituted 21% to 30% of the market by 2008 (Media & Culture 2011). While online sellers are often cheaper, more convenient, and better-stocked than single-unit stores, they are also significantly more impersonal. In fact, they are infinitely more impersonal. Why? Because even 0.00000001 personal units is infinitely more than zero. That’s called math. The equation can be written as:

0.00000001 PU / 0 PU = { }

Division by zero has infinitely many answers, and, since that means it cannot be a function, which is how this equation is set up, the answer is undefined, and therefore there is no solution. By extrapolation, we see that the problem of online booksellers stealing market share away from good, honest independents has no solution. So there. Manifesto, OUT.

Media has converged here.